Frozen in (sub)space...

'k' left this comment on my blog yesterday, and I thought it warranted further discussion:

k said... Robert...i can so relate to being "frozen" or locked in sub-space!...There's no other drug like it in the world!!!

I often feel myself in this state, trapped between wanting to ask for something (but not penetration or cumming obviously, since these are not things I am permitted to ask for!), not wanting to 'top from the bottom', wanting Mistress R to be the one who gets to decide exactly what I am allowed or deserve and generally feeling in a state of 'limbo'. It's a hard thing to explain or describe but I'm sure many of us have felt it at one time or another.
As much as it is frustrating, this inability to just ask for something, I love feeling that way because it means I have slipped into that wonderful state of mind that comes with submission. This is accompanied by the most wonderful feelings of deep love for Mistress R and an extra sensitivity which renders every finger light touch almost capable of making me explode.
The interesting thing is that as time goes by Mistress R seems to be able to bring on this feeling with less and less effort. Last night I again made the decision to go to bed before midnight, and read some more porn before bed (check out my new 'Literotica' tab to see what I'm reading). Mistress R came to bed about 12:20am, no wine tonight though... But of course, the closeness of her silky smooth skin combined with the after effects of what I'd read a short while earlier soon conspired to produce a rock hard erection and since I 'think' I might be allowed to cum on Sunday, I decided that ten days was long enough to wait to use my first 'request'.
'Please may I touch my cock Mistress?' I asked, and Mistress R granted me permission, a slightly amused tone in her voice. Instead of rolling onto my back and jerking my cock I stayed right where I was and steadily fucked my hand as I kissed her shoulder. Feeling her so close was so wonderful even though she wasn't making any attempt to join in, but the thing that made it so good was how she spoke to me as I felt my cock sliding back and forth through my fist.
After reminding me not to allow myself cum, she told me that, even as I was enjoying this I should be thinking how much better it would be the next time she decided to tease me herself...
I whispered to her that I couldn't wait to eat her pussy again, and she replied that I should focus on thinking about tasting her as I jerked my cock, think about being between her legs and worshipping her beautiful pussy...
Then she looked up at the clock projected on the ceiling and told me that was enough and it was time to go to sleep. My cock was like a telegraph pole, and once again as I obediently removed my hand my cock seemed to throb still harder, my breathing seemed more laboured. It seemed to take forever until I calmed down and even then when I felt I could roll over and go to sleep, my cock got hard again.
I have come to the conclusion that what really brings out my sub-side is not fetish clothing or the threat of the paddle, but simply the confidence in Mistress R's voice. I'm not talking about a 'put-on' Domme voice, it's simply that Mistress R now knows that I will do what she tells me and as such her voice naturally conveys authority.
If Mistress R tells me to stop touching she knows that I will, if she tells me to squeeze my balls or edge myself, or even whip my own cock and balls, she knows that I would do those things without question. I think this is a valuable piece of information for any of you reading this who want to live this way but are still taking those first steps.
If you really want this, then first and foremost you have to help her build her confidence. And you do that by doing what she tells you to do. If she says she's not letting you cum today, don't whine, this is what you told her you wanted. How annoying must it be to have your husband/boyfriend/lover tell you that he wants you to control his orgasms and even access to his cock, only for him to moan and bitch when you do as he asked?
In the beginning she's not going to feel comfortable giving you 'orders', and I know it's pretty basic stuff here but the way you allow her confidence to grow is to do as she says! Just do it. The better you play your part the easier it will be for her to play hers.
It won't happen overnight either, Mistress R has had seven months of compliance from me* and she has come on leaps and bounds since we started. But I fully expect that in another year or so (assuming Mistress R doesn't change her mind about continuing this) she will have become even more confident. It's all about the long game, which isn't to say that I am in any way dissatisfied now, it's just that I think it will be even better the longer it goes on and the more 'normal' my sexual submission becomes to her.
So if you are in the process of trying to persuade your wife that this is what you would like to do (and I know that isn't easy) just think ahead and try and instil into yourself the discipline to respect the authority that you want her to assume. Every time you moan, whinge, bitch, cheat or ignore her instructions you are undermining her confidence, and in the long run all you are doing is undermining the progress of your relationship to where you say you want it to be.

* I know some of you will be thinking, yeah well what about the illegal touching? And I admit that I haven't been as good in that area as I would like and I am trying to improve my performance regarding that facet of her control. However, more importantly (I feel), I have never cum without her permission, I have never 'asked' for penetration (since she told me that I wasn't allowed to), albeit one could argue that I did address this through my blog and, in hindsight, I do regret that. I have followed her instructions when she gives me permission to touch my cock, and I have only asked her to let me cum once (since she told me that I wasn't allowed to ask) and that was right at the start and I only said it because I wanted to hear her tell me 'no'.

And that's another thing, you have to be prepared for things to not be 'quite' the way you expected them to be. I didn't expect that Mistress R would forbid me from touching my cock without permission (and punish me for the inevitable infringements), I never thought that she would impose a rule that only she could initiate penetration, and it certainly never occurred to me that she wouldn't allow me to ask/beg to be allowed to cum! Indeed I fully expected that she would eventually want to hear me begging to cum, just so that she could tell me 'no'. But I guess she doesn't need to hear it, she knows I want to cum, doesn't she. And I guess it makes it a lot easier not to give in if I'm not constantly bleating in her ear.
The truth is that each of these were not exactly what I was expecting, but it's funny how quickly you adapt, get used to, and even come to like new rules, especially when you want your wife/lover/Mistress to feel empowered. Sure there was a time when I got a little frustrated about the lack of penetration that Mistress wanted, but I am over it now. Even if she offered me the chance to change any of the rules she has made, I would not change any of them. Not a single one. Because I see that all the rules and all the little things are part of the whole package, and the difference I see in Mistress R is a wonderful thing. I wanted to be sexually submissive to her and that's what I am, we are both probably happier than we have ever been and I genuinely hope that over the coming years Mistress R's confidence and dominance continues to grow at whatever pace is right for her.
Obviously I don't know for sure where this may lead, but I am confident in the strength of our relationship and know that we are smart enough not to let anything undermine the solidity of our 18 year marriage, because that remains the most important thing.