Mixed messages...

After Mistress R had read my last post, she told me that I seem to be giving her mixed messages about whether or not I want to be allowed to cum. As she pointed out, it wasn't that long ago that I was 'moaning' (not exactly) about the fact that she had allowed me to cum during our last Femdom session, and now the last two posts it sounds like I want to cum now...
Well this is the whole male chastity lifestyle in a nutshell isn't it?
Indecision, followed by more indecision...
So difficult to explain it to someone who has no desire to be frustrated and denied, and no real concept of how that would be in any way enjoyable.
Of course I love being allowed to cum, but I also love the feeling of being taken close and not allowed to take that last step, being left horny and desperate. I love how it makes me feel about my Mistress, how it makes us feel closer than 'normal' sex, how it leaves me wanting more physical contact with her, how it makes me want to worship her pussy, her ass and her feet whenever possible. I also love that my cock is harder and more reliable since we started this... money can't buy that.
The whole point of giving over control is that if it was left to me then I would fail over and over. Seriously, from emails I've received from people trying to implement self-denial, it's just not gonna happen. You might last a few days, maybe even a week or two, but more? I find that very hard to believe. The problem is when you get close your brain just rebel's and says 'What the hell are you doing... just cum, for fucks sake!'.
That's why you need someone else to decide, because you simply can't be trusted to make the right decision when you are that insane with need.
Hard to understand then how someone like me, who is not locked up for his own protection, could cope with what has now become 'normal' for us and not jerk myself off. Of course, I could, there's absolutely nothing stopping me, except my promise to Mistress R and the unknown consequences of that action. After all, if I broke Mistress R's trust once, why on earth would she want to continue this game? It would become pointless without that trust. So then you are into the area where you have to use a device to ensure that the rules are being followed, which is something that neither of us really want.
I think the key is that I know if I was that desperate, if I really couldn't take it anymore, I would just ask Mistress R to let me cum. Sure I'm not allowed to beg, as a matter of course, but if it was to the point where it was so bad that I was going to take matters into my own hands and breach her trust no matter what, then that is the better option.
Who knows what Mistress R would decide if it came to that. Perhaps she might attach some conditions, or punishment or something (we've never discussed it to be honest) I really don't know. But at least she would know that I was honest about it and it wouldn't prevent a continuation of the game afterwards.
If anyone would like to suggest any course of action for that eventuality I would be interested to hear your ideas. I thought maybe Mistress could whip or paddle me before/during/after she allowed me to cum, thereby ensuring that I wouldn't ask again unless I was absolutely desperate.... c'mon, give me some ideas, I know you guys have plenty of them!

*Incidentally, re the mixed messages thing, I simply reminded her that she really shouldn't take any notice of what I say, and that she should only let me cum when it pleased her.