Thanks to everyone who commented on my post earlier today, it is appreciated... 'k' was right, I need to learn to stop worrying and to let Mistress R control things just as I asked her to.
The root of my concern goes way back, to when I was having ED problems in the past (before male chastity). For some reason which I don't understand, I could be rock hard and then as soon as I tried to get on top I would go soft, and this happened quite a lot. Now from what I've read on the internet an awful lot of men find it difficult to stay hard when they are laying on their back, which I guess makes sense, the blood is being pumped uphill after all. But I seem to have the opposite problem, I have no trouble staying hard when I'm on my back...
Anyway. On the few occasions I've been allowed on top over the last eighteen months it's been mostly fine, but it's still a risky endeavour. As most men will attest, not being able to stay hard when you want to is a bit of a downer to say the least, and I think that Mistress R has gauged the hardness of my cock and used that as a guide for when to allow me on top. I can't say I blame her for that, I do find it very upsetting when I lose my erection, a cock ring is usually a great help but even that isn't 100% reliable, especially if I'm tired and stressed.
Anyway, as some of you will remember, right back at the start of our chastity journey Mistress R stipulated two rules of her own that meant that I was not allowed to ask to be allowed to cum, or to be inside her. I was quite surprised at the time, especially when the frequency of penetration was quite low to what we had been used to before.
So over the last eighteen months (as chastity has dramatically increased the quality of my erections) Mistress has taken to riding my cock more and more often, which is great - obviously. But, while it didn't bother me for myself, it's hard to shake off the stereotypical idea that what women really want is to be fucked hard underneath their fella. Maybe not so much for your truly dominant wife, but Mistress R is a long way from being an 'alpha-female'.
This bothered me, because a) being a chaste male means that my capacity for fucking Mistress R hard is somewhat limited by my ability to hold back after long periods without cumming, and b) because I know that being on top isn't always a successful situation for me.
This doesn't bother me so much for 'me', because I love being underneath Mistress R and looking up at her riding my cock for as long as she pleases, but it bothers me that she might want something which I may not always be able to give her.
Anyway, so my earlier posts have been playing on my mind quite a bit and I've effectively worked myself up into a complete stress over it, even though Mistress R hasn't complained about a lack of 'on-top, vigorous penetration'. But she really didn't need to because I had already convinced myself that she 'must' be missing it because conventional wisdom tells me so!
We went to bed this afternoon and Mistress had a lovely, hard orgasm after which she told me to put my cock ring on. I guess it wasn't the best of ideas because all this was still going round my head and being stressed (and rather tired too) this was not the best time to be trying something out of the ordinary.
At first I was hard enough, Mistress straddled me and rode my cock which was lovely, but then she got off and we tried a position we had talked about trying earlier and from the moment I got up off the bed my cock was wilting, even with my rubber cock ring on... and from there the whole thing turned into a bit of a disaster. Which naturally didn't make me feel very good at all. Having gone through some fairly lengthy periods of ED I have no desire to relive that particular experience, and knowing that 99% of it is in the head, it's essential that you do not fall into the trap of failure and expectation of failure, which is oh so bloody easy to get into...
So Mistress R and I talked and I gradually managed to put my feelings into words, suffice to say that she assured me that she has been perfectly happy these past eighteen months too and while, yes she does like to be 'fucked' sometimes, she hasn't been feeling in any way neglected or unfulfilled, and she certainly does not want to give up control of my cock.
We were in bed for well over two hours and the lesson that came out of it really is that what 'k' said was absolutely right, I may feel that it's unfair to put all the onus on Mistress R to decide everything, but that is what this is about. While I may be concerned that it could be a burden to her, I have to learn to let it go, because she is the one in control now.
After we had thrashed out our problems we started to kiss and my cock quickly hardened to bursting point, which was of course at once a relief and also a massive annoyance (like, where the fuck were you earlier, when I fucking needed you you fucking fucker?). But by this point I was willing to forget about that, since Mistress R was up on her knees holding my cock with one hand and slapping it around with the other.
Meanwhile I was slipping my fingers inside her slippery, but tight pussy and before long she was back on top of me again, bearing down on me and threatening to push me over the edge with her tight, tight pussy. After initially struggling to hold back I turned the corner and started to meet her strokes with hard upward thrusts, indeed once Mistress R started to increase the intensity and told me she wanted me to shoot my cum inside her I had to re-find the edge again so that I could allow myself to be pushed over it!
It was a very intense and wonderful orgasm and seconds after finishing it I was staring up at Mistress R's beautiful cum filled pussy before licking her clean. The afternoon had been more than a little stressful but we had both had fantastic orgasms and so long as Mistress R is happy then I am happy. It does still bother me that I can't be 100% relied upon to go on top whenever Mistress R wants me to, but I guess I am going to have to learn to stop worrying about it and trust her to decide when she thinks I am turned on and hard enough to grant me that treat.
I guess part of the problem is that I just want everything to be perfect in our relationship all the time, and more to the point I want Mistress R to be 100% satisfied with our sex life. Mistress R is my life and I hate to think that I might be letting her down in some way. She has done her absolute best to convince me that she is blissfully happy with the way the last eighteen months has gone and she doesn't feel that she is missing out on anything at all.
I really needed to hear that, because I really was getting myself into a bit of state about it. I'm also really, really glad that Mistress R rode my cock again, there's no better cure for not getting into the spiral of ED failure and expectation of failure than a really hard, orgasmic fuck... and the creampie was the just the spectacular icing on the cake.
I love Mistress R so much and it isn't always easy to switch off and stop worrrying, especially when we've had a long, happy 'normal', sexually-equal marriage before starting chastity. But I guess that's what I really do need to learn to do for this to continue to work properly.
Sorry for any typos, I'm actually falling asleep typing this!
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