First impressions of the new venue (Tobacco Dock) were quite good, it's a very cool building with vaulted ceilings in the lower floor. It did seem a little cramped in some of the individual 'shops', something which was not a problem in Olympia because it was more set up like a trade show with 'stands'. I would say the lower ceilings and less spacious surroundings did create more of an atmosphere though and no sooner had we walked in than we looked to the right and there was a woman with her tits out getting a photograph taken as she stood against a wall.
The first shop we went in was Bondura and we were tempted by a vibrating butt plug, but after some deliberation I decided that since we already have more than one butt plug, and we have a small vibrator we could probably achieve the same effect that way. I do find the glass products to be far superior and so I'm trying to get away from the crappy, rubber stuff if possible. It shouldn't be too difficult to attach the small vibe to the ring on the end of my glass butt plug I don't think, maybe we'll try that out soon.
I have to say, predictable though it may be, there were rather too many places selling corsets, burlesque outfittery and those shit masks that are on the cover of 50 Shades of Grey (possibly). In fact there was really only one place selling the kind of PVC stuff that Mistress was looking for and sadly there was nothing that really tickled her fancy so we left empty handed on that score.
SHIT MASK
There was a Spearmint Rhino lounge in one corner, which we entered and discovered a very bored and rather unsexy looking blonde going through her very uninspired looking moves on the pole while two 'official' photographers took pictures of her arse (which had Spearmint Rhino rather unsubtly written on it, well actually not her arse, obviously... rather her bikini bottoms). Elsewhere there were two or three other rather less than animated 'S/R' girls sitting on a motorbike. I have to say, I have never really been remotely tempted by the allure of a pole-dancing club, I just think it's so... fake and cynical, I suppose. Plus, these girls were just not sexy to me in the slightest. Yes they were slim and they had the big hair and all that, but being sexy is way more than that and this after all is supposed to be their job! I don't know, I would be interested to know if any of you have ever been to one of these clubs, what was it like?
At 3:00pm we managed to grab a seat in front of the Erotica Stage, ready for... you guessed it 'Natural Born Thrillers'. Which, basically is two very hunky guys and one guy who looks a bit like Lee Mack. No really.
LEE MACK
Which was entertaining in itself, as he seemed to treat the whole thing as a giant piss-take. I got the impression that he was the 'boss' and perhaps he's getting close to packing it in, cos he looks a little bit older than the other two, certainly old enough to know better anyway. Bless him. It was rather amateurish (a bit like last time actually, lots of awkward pauses in the music etc etc) but pretty funny though, and once again Mistress R did manage to have an 'encounter' with a half naked stripper (not the one who looked like Lee Mack unfortunately), though this time she didn't have to rub oil all over his chest...he just kind of well... gyrated on her lap, though I think she was mainly concerned with him not getting baby oil on her Radley handbag.
After the show Mistress and I headed back into the throng and Mistress tried on the aforementioned PVC tops, and then we kind of realised that we'd seen pretty much everything we wanted to see. Which was fortunate as the Torture Garden show was about to start back on the main stage. Unfortunately we didn't manage to get there in time to bag a seat, but it wasn't too bad standing around the back, we could still see very well. I have to say, I've seen quite a few Torture Garden shows over the years (at various Eroticas) and when I saw the keyboard on stage and clapped eyes on the hosts (Eastend Cabaret) I was not particularly inspired, but...I was wrong. They were genuinely funny, especially the shorter girl who played the keyboard.
EASTEND CABARET
After that there was Miss Poly Rae (quite good striptease/burlesque...and I don't put 'good' and 'burlesque' in the same sentence lightly, believe me), Marnie Scarlet (weird latex person...not entirely sure whether it's a woman or a man...probably a man), Chrisalys (a weird oversized Pierrot doll who fired staples into his arm and then rubbed the blood onto a teddy bear, no I'm not making this up), and finally a Japanese lady called Yusura who had a very impressive full back tattoo and who was a kind of Geisha stripper with added wax play.
CHRISALYS
Oh yes and there was Beatrix Von Bourbon (a Britain's Got Talent semi-finalist apparently), who was the worst of all the burlesque dancers I've seen yet, indeed I spent the whole performance trying to figure out who the music was by that she was using. I still don't know... it's very bleepy. At first I thought it was Depeche Mode but it wasn't. Definitely not. I know all Depeche Mode's stuff, but I feel like I should know who it was anyway... maybe it's Craig Armstrong?
After that we rushed downstairs to catch a rope bondage workshop. I've read about these sorts of things before and people always say that until you see it being done you don't really 'get it'. Well, I'm prepared to agree with that, although it's really not the fact that it looks amazing or anything, although plenty of people think it does. To me what was most striking about it was the effect it had on the girl being tied up. She looked totally blissed out, indeed the demonstrator called it 'rope space', which having experienced deep sub-space a few times I can totally relate to.
So that was it then, my experience of Erotica 2013. Though I may sound rather scathing, it was quite enjoyable overall, it's just a pity there wasn't a wider selection of clothing for sale. Never mind, it was a fun day. It was worth it just to see the hilarious male strippers.
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