Well, what a fucking idiot I am...

When I started this blog, I decided in my infinite wisdom to tell Mistress R what I was doing. My motto is that there should never be secrets between us and almost straight away I was proved correct because rather unexpectedly one of my first major commenters was a lady called Miss Christina, and never mind that she's on the other side of the world, never mind that she made no undue 'advances' to me whatsoever, I did not want Mistress R to feel that I was discussing our sex life behind her back and definitely not with another woman!
At first I got the distinct impression that Mistress R was none to impressed anyway, but she soon came to see that it was all above-board and no threat to her or us, indeed she now occasionally asks after Miss Christina and her slut Sam.
Anyway, what happened over the last four months is that everyday I would print out my blog posts and give them to her in the evening. She rarely commented on them, except when I was gushing about something wonderful she had done, but she gave me the impression that these posts were useful so I continued, even though sometimes I dreaded her reading them because I had posted something which I felt was slightly critical, but even then mostly it seemed okay.
But since the weekend something has changed. We had a shit weekend, a family obligation on Saturday put Mistress R in a bad mood which continued through Sunday (fueled by PMS and the wretched heat we've been having here in the UK), there was a momentary respite on Monday when I was able to make her cum, but even so my posts on Monday and Tuesday were perceived to be more critical than ever and I must admit that I was thoroughly fed up on those days and this obviously showed up in my posting.
Last night I gave Mistress R my post which went some way to undoing the damage done, but it was not enough and we had... well it wasn't a row, but it was certainly a heated discussion, with Mistress R voicing her intense frustration at the whole thing. She felt that she couldn't do anything right, that she felt like she had started a new job and was being told different ways to do things every day, by several different people.
In short she was up to here with the whole thing and was utterly confused about what I want, and indeed not even sure if I knew what I want.
As this barrage poured out of her I was pretty shellshocked. I could hardly speak for a while and as I sat there I remembered the post on AtAllTimes blog yesterday, the one where he received some pretty blunt advice from a reader. When I read it I thought, this guy has hit the nail on the head, although whether AAT will take his advice on board I'm not sure... and yet, suddenly it was pretty obvious to me that I had made the same mistake as AAT.
What a fucking idiot.
To her eternal credit Mistress R didn't tell me to forget the chastity thing, and I wouldn't have blamed her if she had. We cried (well I did), and held each other and I tried to explain myself, with some degree of success (I hope).
I said to her that, the whole point of this was to make her feel special and happy and that was what I wanted more than anything. We discussed this further and decided to continue as we were. She again suggested the idea of taking a break from this, which I didn't want to do but said that if that's what she wanted then I would be okay with it.
She explained that the fact that I had broken the rules and touched my cock had made her feel like shit, not because it was disobedient or any of that bollocks, but because she felt that she had neglected me to the point where I felt I needed to do that. She suggested that we scrap the rule about not being allowed to touch my cock and I did think about it, but as I said to her, the problem is that if I am allowed to do it as much as I want I know it won't be as special when she touches me, and I don't want that. But I explained that maybe I had underestimated the amount of teasing I needed to be kept satisfied... whether that will lead to an increase in teasing I don't really know, I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Right now I don't really care.
The most important thing is that Mistress R are back where we should be, close and happy with each other. We are an exceptionally close couple, ridiculously close some would say, and when things are not right between us we are both miserable. Fortunately this doesn't happen too often, but when it does half the problem is that I am shit at talking about it, and Mistress R has to batter me verbally until I crack and spill my guts.
Almost always this quickly results in resolution and this was how it was last night, just a half hour of talking and we are right as rain again, fortunately. The upshot of all this is that I am no longer going to print out my blogs for Mistress R to read, unless there is something specific that I want her to read, and that is not going to make her feel like shit!
And what this has really made me realise is that, in the beginning I wanted her to take control, to do what she wanted, when she wanted, and what her reading my blog was really doing was providing too much 'guidance' or perhaps more accurately 'interference' with that. So what I want to get back to is that basic idea of her being the one making the decisions regarding our sex life, and I acknowledge that isn't always going to be what I 'want', but that is the price I am willing to pay, because I believe what Mistress R needs is the space to find her own way, to sort things out for herself without me 'helping' her everyday with my blog posts.
Mistress R doesn't want me to stop blogging, because she knows how helpful it is to me and overall she likes the blog, she just doesn't need to read every single one of my thoughts every day, and of course I can see that now (too late).
So there you are. Crisis averted, and hopefully this has put us back on course for what we/I really wanted in the first place. If that means I only get penetration once a month, if that means she makes me wait too long or not long enough to cum, well so be it. I want her to be in control, and as such it's unreasonable for me to feel aggrieved if her decisions aren't the ones I want her to make.
Writing this post has been exhausting, thanks for reading.

My 'Lewis Hamilton' moment...

So, yesterday I posted about how I was having a bit of a wobble, and Good Hubby's follow up email... well today I have to add 'k' to my thanks list for the supportive comments he left yesterday. For those of you who haven't read it...


k said:
I have those days as well Robert, and yes it is part of it, we are human, not machines, I have literally stomped my feet and argued in defiance before, but once the moment has passed my submissive nature returns and I feel ashamed. But isn't that why I need a strong, loving woman to guide in the first place, to curb my childish and rebellious nature and guide me to be a better man?


It's good to know that I'm not the only one who has these moments of doubt. After all, what we're doing is not 'normal', we are going against nature because we don't like the way nature makes us act. But of course nature has a few million years head start, and so from time to time it's bound to chuck a spanner in the works.
It's not like it was a big problem, and I'm sure there were two things at the heart of it.
Firstly, Mistress R allowed me to cum on Saturday night, and the fact is that the days following orgasm are always the hardest for me. You would think it would be the opposite wouldn't you, that I should feel satisfied,  but I always seem impatient for more 'action' when I've been allowed to cum. But then doesn't this just support the whole chastity idea? The whole 'if you let him cum' then he reverts to his usual selfish self' theme? Well, I guess it does!!!
The second thing which affected my mood was that we had such a shit day on Sunday, and whereas Mistress R is an Aries (blows up at the drop of a hat and then it's all forgotten), me being a Libra I don't blow up like that, but it takes longer for me to stop brooding over it. So, I was sulking if you like, having my 'Lewis Hamilton' moment.
I can't say I feel ashamed of myself particularly but I do feel a bit stupid. Because it must appear to Mistress R that I ask for one thing and then sulk about it! That's not how it is to me, it's a combination of circumstances, but it probably looks like that to her.
Of course having read my blog-post yesterday Mistress R has today asked me if I think we need a 'break' from chastity, but that isn't what I want. That possibility is always there if she decides to declare it, of course. But now that I'm over that little hump I'm content again as her slave, and because of the reasons I've given already the last thing I want to do is be 'released' again.
Of course this isn't the first 'moment of doubt' I've had, but they are usually over a lot quicker and a lot less intense and I hid them better because I didn't want Mistress R to call it off, which I thought she might have. In fact, this incident has given me some heart, because the good thing about this is that Mistress R's reaction was to ask if I wanted a weekend / week's break from chastity, whereas in the past I might have expected her reaction to be more along the lines of stopping it altogether. I'm VERY happy about that.
Like 'k' said, there are going to be times when the frustration boils over, and it's incredibly difficult for a woman to understand that, just as it's incredibly difficult for a woman to understand why any man should want to be denied in the first place. And as much as I appreciate Mistress R's kind enquiry, it's not what I want or need right now.
What I really need is to get through the next couple of days and start to submerge myself in submission again. To feel that ache of desperation and need building inside, and to focus it back onto serving my Mistress when she wants to use me.
The fact is that I know how I felt when we used to do 'part-time' chastity, I was always longing for the next period of denial to start, so the idea of a chastity-holiday doesn't appeal massively to me, even though the thought of cumming as much as I want sounds like Heaven right now.
The other interesting comment that 'k' made was this...


k said: 
Very heartfelt post Robert, I do not regret surrendering all to Q, but there are many times I don't want to do the things she makes me do, or times when I think I need to get my own way and don't! And by the way, we are closing on three years of Q having total control of our relationship! And it's been that long since I've been allowed to be on top when she wants intercourse. The same with entering her from behind, no doggy style position allowed for me, God, I really miss that!

Now, as it happens, there are some sound reasons why Mistress R tends to go on top (I am extremely prone to cramp for a start!), and don't get me wrong, I love her being on top, in fact it's my favourite position, and truth be told if I had the choice, then nine times out of ten I would probably choose for her to go on top. And since I've only been inside Mistress R about 8 times since April 1st, I have to concede that I'm moaning about nothing... and I wasn't really even moaning, I was just commenting...
I love it when she's on top because she controls the pace and speed and that is incredibly hot and submissive for me, I love that even when I'm inside her, even if she does decide to let me cum, I still only get to do it as fast and hard as she wants me to. But psychologically it is difficult, because there's a little part of me that worries about that... because as much as I love it, I wonder how it affects how she feels about me.
I'd hate for her to turn around in five years time and say she's leaving me because she can't deal with this any more, that she needs someone who just wants to fuck her and doesn't want to wait to be asked. Because I could honestly understand that. And that's why I wouldn't want to close the door on reverting back to 'normal' for however long Mistress R wanted it. If it was affecting her overall feelings towards me I would much rather do that.
Fortunately for me, Mistress R has quite a 'controlling' character, if not exactly naturally 'dominant'. She likes things ordered and I'm sure some men would find her infuriatingly 'structured' about, well pretty much everything. She jokes about her OCD sometimes, so she's well aware of it. I hope that the fact that we remain equal outside the bedroom will stop her seeing me as 'weak' too. I know 'Q' posted that remark the other day about how much she values 'k's submission to her, and how strong a man has to be to surrender control. But it's still pretty easy for that man to feel insecure about his choices, even as he's enjoying his submission.
That's the thing about an alternative lifestyle, getting on the wagon is only the start of it...still, if nothing else, at least I got a couple of decent captions out of this little bump in the road...

A little bit of back and forth...

Me and Good Hubby have been having a little bit of back and forth on his blog over the last twenty four hours, the culmination of which was him reminding me that not being allowed to masturbate isn't that big a problem since because he is the dominant partner in the relationship (it's very confusing...) he can simply order his wife to stimulate his cock for him. The sting in the tail is that she controls his orgasm... (as I said, it's pretty fucked up).
So anyway, the reason for all this was that one day GH was talking about long term orgasm denial and the next he was talking about a weekend of extreme domination for his wife NW, and it seemed to me that him not cumming was kind of handicapping his ability to give NW the weekend of utter submission she craved. Indeed, NW has given GH the right to cum as much as he wants that weekend, but he still insists he's not intending to do so...
Of course my situation is somewhat different, well, entirely different, lets be honest. And inevitably there's times when I do wonder exactly what I have got myself into. Take last night for example, after going down on  Mistress R and being left rock hard by her foot teasing antics, and then being teased a little more, we got up to watch TV for an hour before heading off to bed.
As I struggled to get to sleep I found myself thinking about earlier and expanding on it to the point where my cock was achingly hard and begging for attention. I was considering asking Mistress R for permission to touch my cock (early days I know, but it ached!) when I realised that she had actually managed to fall asleep (I wish I had a pound for every time that's happened in the last four months). Frustrated, I decided to get up as I plainly wasn't about to fall asleep, even though the window was open and I was getting the occasional waft of cool air. My cock and the heat were conspiring against me.
Of course I should have known this would lead me into a dangerous situation, and sure enough it wasn't more than fifteen minutes before I cracked and started to stroke my throbbing cock. I guess the memory of the paddle had faded enough to allow me to let my guard down, and so a good half hour (and numerous edges) later I returned to bed, a little less frustrated and tired enough to finally go to sleep.
Of course I regret it now, but the deed is done and I'll have to take the punishment when Mistress R decides to dish it out. But it's times like these when you do start to question the wisdom of handing all control to your partner. I mean, what was I thinking when I agreed that I wasn't allowed to touch my cock, or even to ask to be allowed to penetrate her? Not allowed to even 'ask'? Nope I just have to wait and hope that sooner or later she'll want me inside her... What kind of fool would agree to such a demand?
On the other hand, everything that I have said before about this stands, I'd rather be denied penetration than be 'indulged'. That is the worst of all options as far as I'm concerned. And as I've said before, reducing the amount of penetration allowed certainly makes it a spectacular sensation when it happens, and being allowed to cum inside Mistress R's beautiful pussy is now an 'event' rather than an everyday occurrence.
Over the last four months I estimate that I've been inside Mistress R seven or eight times. A couple of those times were full on fucking and resulted in memorable orgasms for me, and the rest have largely been fairly brief teasing. Only once in the last four months have I been on top, the one controlling the speed and force of my thrusts (fairly gentle actually since I had been denied for a while at that point, and I was wearing the cocksling which meant my cock was like an iron bar... still Mistress R certainly seemed to enjoy it!) and that one came to an end when Mistress R placed her hands on my chest, pushing me away until I slipped out of her, my aching cock still throbbing hard in the iron grip of the cocksling, desperate to unload, but not permitted to do so. I so loved that moment... and still do. And that is why, although I gave in to the desire to touch and edge myself, even though I know I will be punished for it, I still did not cross the line and give myself the one thing that only Mistress R is empowered to permit.
So yes, there are undoubtedly times when I doubt my choices, but ultimately I know I have made the right one. If this was an easy path then I know it wouldn't be half as rewarding when I reach that long awaited moment, the one when Mistress R finally tells me that I can release those weeks of pent up frustration and luxuriate in the intense pleasure of my long denied orgasm...
You can tell from my captions and writing that I fantasize about Mistress R being still more heartless, selfish about taking what she wants from me, denying me and keeping me frustrated by teasing me mercilessly until I ache for her, and I do believe that she has that potential within her. I have to constantly remind myself that it has only been four months since we really started doing this properly, and that it's not easy for her to reconcile that 'character' with the loving wife that she is.
When I read about Good Hubby putting his hands around NW's throat, I wince inside, knowing that I would find that incredibly difficult, even though it's plain that NW wants and needs to be treated that way (it makes her cum FFS!), I guess sooner or later you get used to the idea and then as confidence grows you start to give the other person what they really wants, in the way that you simply can't while you are still finding your feet.
Reading the Naked Husband's blog (here), it's clear that over the last year or so his wife has gradually come to accept that his cock is now her property, to be used for whatever pleases her. He is no longer in a position to 'fuck' her for his own pleasure, especially since he is locked in a chastity device.
I would love to know what the future holds for Mistress R and I, maybe a few years hence... or maybe it's better not to know. Maybe if I knew what was going to happen I would be panicking now... no perhaps it's better to experience the future slowly and gradually...

Another big day...

Nearly another record day here yesterday... I wish my stupid blog worked properly and I could see which were the most popular posts! Anyone got any ideas how to fix it?

The poll ends...

And the results were as follows:

Of the 30-odd women who voted, 38% said they liked to receive their man's load in their pussy, 6% chose their ass, a further 6% chose their mouth, yet another 6% chose their breasts, 3% chose an unspecified 'other', but by far the winner with 41% was the 'Haha, he should be so lucky' option!!!

Of the 90-odd men who voted, 30% would like to unload in their ladies mouth, 13% in their ass, 6% over their breasts, (lets hope they are the same 6%), 7% chose an unspecified 'other' and a whopping 44% chose the rather obvious 'pussy'...

New poll coming soon.

One of the things I always do...

...when I get a new follower is check out which other sites they follow, and add the good ones to my own watched list. Well just now I happened to be checking out 'Giles English' (hello Giles!) and his bloglist contained a site called 'A Thousand Kisses Deep', though it's URL is actually 'slouchingintochastity.blogspot'.
Anyway, reading the latest post I came across this rather insightful comment...

When I needed some satisfaction, and that's every day -- it's a stress response -- it was much easier to masturbate than to engage Lucy.

Which never really occurred to me before, or it never occurred to me that that is one reason why male chastity is so successful in strengthening a relationship. The inability to masturbate for 'comfort' means that the male looks to his wife for 'companionship' or 'intimacy'. Obvious really, but rarely expressed so eloquently.

You can read the whole post (here).

Well, we just missed it...

Unfortunately for one reason or another we didn't get to enjoy the pleasure of Mistress R's orgasm yesterday, but we have had the same in the last hour or so. But that does mean that July finished on a score of ten for Mistress R, which still equals her previous best, and my score (being an extremely generous two) means that Mistress R still had five for every one of mine...
But anyway, let's not get too hung up on that, because statistics are merely a diversion from the really important stuff...
So tonight, as I slowly kissed my way from Mistress's beautiful feet up her legs as she lay on the bed, she started to reach for my balls with her toes. By the time I arrived at her gorgeous pussy she was using both feet to maul my balls and my cock felt as hard as iron. It was Heaven! But I wasn't allowed to enjoy it for too long as Mistress R was more than ready for me to eat her pussy, and I willingly and gratefully did so, bringing her to a lovely hard climax as every slave should as often as required!
Afterwards we lay down and Mistress stroked my cock for a while, bringing it back to hardness while she stared past my cock into the distance, almost paying it no attention really, and then turning to kiss me and stroking a little harder. After a while of this she'd had about enough and told me that I would get ten more strokes and that was it. Well, I enjoyed each of those strokes as if they were the last. After all, it's only been a  couple of days since my last orgasm and it could be a long time until the next one!